I’m (Still) With Her

New York City
November 9, 2016

The 2016 presidential election was the third time politics made me cry. Ever. The first time came when Barack Obama was elected president. The second time was when the Marriage Equality Act was passed. But those were happy tears. What happened at 3:30 in the morning on November 9 was much different.

Like most Americans watching the election, I was awake until my eyes physically could not stay open any longer. At 12:30am, after switching between two television networks and refreshing my social media feeds, I turned it all off and went to sleep worried about what I would wake up to find. The final votes from Pennsylvania were just under 95% reported, but the race was still too close to call. Just a few hours later, without an alarm or the gentle nudge of my girlfriend sleeping next to me, I shot up and grabbed my phone. What I had been saying for months would never happen actually did happen overnight: Donald Trump had been elected president of the United States. The man without any political experience and a history of bullying and sexual assault just to name a few offenses, defied the polls and rose to victory over Hillary. Shock. Horror. Panic. How could this happen? How? I laid back, covered my face and wailed into my hands. Anyone but him, I repeated out loud. Anyone but him.

In the city, the subways were silent and at work, more tears followed from co-workers in similar states of disbelief.  Throughout the morning, we huddled around televisions to watch a gracious, but nonetheless defeated Hillary Clinton give a hopeful and optimistic speech about pressing forward, reminding us not to stop believing in each other and in our country. It wasn’t until I listened to an interview with Gloria Steinem later in the afternoon that I found the perfect words to describe how I’m feeling:

“I’m not going to disobey the law, but I’m not going to pretend he represents me.”